s-m-r-t

Sometimes I feel like I completely wasted my college opportunity.

Sure I went, sure I finally graduated after 6 years (one of which was a break), sure that piece of paper is propped on the living room display for my mom to kvell over and potential employers to nod approvingly over. But what did I gain from it?

I used to be such a good student, but sometimes I wonder if I developed adult ADD. I'm not just using that as an excuse. I absolutely love learning. I will read anything you want me to, I will watch the movies, check out pictures and media, whatever. Doing any actual application or work was suddenly too much for me to handle. You can chalk that up to my home life becoming crazy and being employed for the first time, but I sometimes wonder if it were more than that. I just couldn't get myself to do anything until the night before, sometimes the morning of! This wasn't just a few times, this was ALL the time. It frustrated me more than anyone because I really did want to do well, but something inside me wouldn't let me. Did I inherit my father's loser genes? Did I want to fail? Who really wants to fail?! I didn't fail, in fact I graduated with a B- average. Not too terrible for a slacker. I don't remember a great deal of my major; I can tell you way more about my electives. I can tell you way more about shit I learned in high school! Strange.

I liked my major, but I would have rather done so many others. I either didn't have the confidence (English, Theatre, and Film), the discipline (History), or was a lazy chickenshit who didn't want to go down to the city (Sociology and Film). What the hell kind of excuse is that?? How could I have let these opportunities slip through my fingers? I went to a GOOD school. I know I felt limited because I didn't have the means to go anywhere else thanks to aspects of my home and financial life, but there were many other colleges in the nearby area that I could have commuted to. I chose mine, and I should have taken advantage of its excellent liberal arts programs. I'll be honest, I'm rather kicking myself now every time I see a student loan bill (which I still totally need to deal with).

But what now? I don't have the money to go back to school yet, shit, I don't even have a job at the moment. I like reading and learning as I mentioned earlier. Just an hour ago I was devouring information about art history. I freakin adore that subject. I was looking up Velazquez and reacquainting myself. When I took Spanish IV in high school, I had to do a paper and presentation solely in Spanish on a painter. I chose his name out of the hat and did kickass work with Las Meninas. I started to learn more about Spanish history- El Greco (I only worship View of Toledo), Picasso, Dali, and I learned a ton in European History. I did a paper on Degas in my freshman year of college and took 2 trips to the Philadelphia Art Museum- once for research, once for pleasure. I took a trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with an old friend's class, and it blew my mind. Still can't believe I haven't gone back at least once during all my NY adventures. Art relaxes and fascinates me.

I taught myself theatre history that my schools didn't touch on. There's still much I need to know, but I can certainly hold my own. Growing up with my showtunes crazed thespian mother also helped. I immersed myself in the culture and wouldn't give up that thrill for anything. Sure I've been limited, but that's all going to change soon. I know I keep saying that, but it will. Theatre makes me giddy. It truly excites me. Seeing it in New York overwhelms me to the point of no return. I've truly been spoiled. I love watching it elsewhere, but there's nothing like walking out of Penn Station knowing you're getting your ass to a show.

What do I do? Who knows! I should keep up with my free learning, that's for sure. I feel like I'm getting dumber with age, and I need to keep my mind brushed up. Maybe I can take a couple classes in the future for enrichment. The lack of pressure will probably be the best thing for me. All I can do for now is just remember that I'm still young and that my life is far from over. Ah optimism, there's a new concept! Hee.